Growing up with a parent who has mental illness or addiction can shape our expectations and behaviors in profound ways, especially when it comes to relationships. As someone who has experienced this firsthand, I've come to understand how the patterns established in childhood can echo into our adult lives, often in ways that are not immediately obvious. Children of parents with these challenges often experience inconsistency and unreliability in their upbringing, which can shape their expectations and behaviors in relationships later in life.
Recognizing Unhealthy Patterns
Children of parents with mental illness or addiction become accustomed to their parent's unpredictable behavior and rollercoaster of emotions and behaviors. They may learn to adapt to sudden changes in mood or availability, At times, the parent may be present, attentive and caring, while at the next moment, they may be distant, unavailable and showing up to the child very different. This can manifest as a pattern of similar dynamics with partners who are inconsistent, unreliable, and oscillate with hot and cold behaviors.
The Silent Alarm
When you grow up in an environment where a parent is unpredictable and unreliable, this becomes your norm. As adults, the internal alarm that should warn us about unsafe or unhealthy relationships is often muted. We might find ourselves drawn to partners who exhibit similar traits of inconsistency and unreliability, not because we desire it, but because it feels familiar. This phenomenon is what I call the inconsistency wound.
Personal Experience: A Reflection
I vividly remember an incident from kindergarten when I had a friend over. This was a rare occurrence because we lived in my grandmother's house, and my mom, sister, and I all shared a room so having a friend over was a big deal and already a bit unsettling. Earlier that day, my mom was "normal", We were playing in the cellar and during the playdate, my mom came down to give us candy bars, and immediately I could tell she was on the verge of a mental breakdown. These episodes happened frequently in my younger years. I could sense the change in her voice, her eyes, her facial expressions. I remember feeling so embarrassed and desperately hoped it wouldn't get worse before my friend left. It still saddens me so much to think of my inner little girl, so aware of these subtle shifts and what they meant while also yearning to just feel "normal."
Fast forward to adulthood, I've been married, divorced, and with no surprise, I found myself in relationships with men who could only maintain consistent behavior for a certain period of time before switching. I knew this was wrong, and I didn't like it, but instead of leaving these relationships after recognizing the recurring patterns, I would try to point them out, try to get them to see the patterns too, I hoped my partners would see the issues too and want to do something to fix them. But ultimately, I was the one who needed to do something about it.
The Inconsistency Wound
This pattern of engaging in relationships with partners who exhibit hot and cold behavior can be a result of what is known as the "inconsistency wound." This wound is a reflection of the inconsistent and unreliable caregiving a person received in childhood. As a result, they may struggle to recognize healthy relationship dynamics, such as partners who are hot and cold or emotionally distant.
Yearning for Consistency
Despite this pattern, many of us yearn for consistency and stability. We crave relationships where we can feel secure and supported. However, the paradox lies in the fact that we often end up with partners who are anything but consistent. The familiarity of inconsistency can overshadow our desire for stability, leading us to repeat the same patterns we experienced growing up.
Recognizing the Pattern
The first step towards change is recognizing the pattern. Understanding that our upbringing has silenced our internal alarm can be healing and enlightening in itself. It allows us to see why we might have been involved with certain types of partners with these patterns and why we tolerate behaviors that others might not. This awareness is crucial for breaking the cycle.
Healing Inner Child Wounds
Healing the inconsistency wound involves addressing and healing the inner child wounds that stem from growing up with a parent with mental illness or addiction. This involves acknowledging the impact of their upbringing on their current relationships and working to establish healthier patterns, boundaries and find freedom from the cycle of inconsistency and unreliability.
This process can involve inner child work, childhood reparenting, Internal family systems (IFS), Somatic therapy and EMDR. By acknowledging and working through these childhood wounds, individuals can begin to break free from the cycle of inconsistency and create more stable and fulfilling relationships in adulthood.
Conclusion
Growing up with a parent who has a mental illness doesn't have to continue to dictate our future. By recognizing the impact of our upbringing and taking steps towards healing, we can cultivate healthier, more fulfilling relationships. Remember, you deserve consistency, reliability, and respect in your relationships.
If this blog resonates with you, Id be honored to help guide you through your journey of healing:
I am Serena Franchini, founder of The Healing Fawn Inner Child Work & Somatic Therapy. My journey as a registered nurse for the last 16 years has been deeply intertwined with my passion for holistic healing and wellness. However, it wasn't until I embarked on my own spiritual journey and awakening when I came face to face with my unresolved childhood trauma, that I learned what my calling was. Through my personal journey of trauma healing, reconnecting with and reparenting my own inner child, I discovered my purpose: to guide others on their path to healing. The Healing Fawn stands on a firm foundation that all barriers we face in our adult lives stem in some way shape or form from our childhood experiences.
This profound realization led me to form The Healing Fawn, where I offer trauma-informed inner child work, somatic and EMDR therapy, Recognizing the scarcity of resources it took me to understand what was happening with me, i really wanted to make it easier for people to go through their own healing process. I I developed a comprehensive step by step program to help individuals navigate the healing process By addressing the root causes of barriers through a somatic, body-based approach I help guide individuals into thier body where the stuck memories and emotions lay, and heal the wounds that continue to impact their lives today.
The focus of my program also encompasses self-awareness, self-regulation, and self-love—fundamental elements for lasting change. Through The Healing Fawn, I am privileged to witness the deep and transformative impact this work has on individuals as they journey towards healing and rediscovering their true selves. My goal is to spread awareness on unresolved trauma to the massive amounts of people who are unaware they have it, so they can learn to stop living out their trauma and calling it their life. I strive to empower individuals to navigate their healing journey, reclaim their true selves, and cultivate a life filled with freedom, authenticity and purpose.