As a recovering people-pleaser and “healing fawn", I know firsthand how easy it is to lose yourself in the roles and masks you’ve learned to wear most of your life. And as a somatic therapist and trauma trained coach who specialized in inner child parts work, I see this same pattern show up in my clients again and again. It’s one of the most common ways unresolved trauma shows up — quietly shaping how we present ourselves to the world.
We become experts at showing the world a façade while keeping our true selves tucked away behind layers of protection. We navigate our days performing, managing, fixing, tending, and trying—all while our true authentic self remains locked away. The most fascinating part is we do not have any idea this is happening. The longer these masks are worn, the more distant we become from our own truth, our voice, our vitality.
The Masks We Wear
Why do we wear them? Here’s what I’ve seen over and over in sessions and in my own lived experience:
- Fear of Vulnerability: Trauma teaches us that vulnerability is dangerous. So we tuck it away, replacing it with a mask of strength, calm, indifference, or even perfection.
- Desire for Acceptance: For those with relational wounds, masks often form as a survival response—trying to be loved, chosen, or enough. The thinking mind works overtime to create a version of ourselves that’s digestible to others, even if it’s not honest.
- Avoidance of Judgment: Many of us censor our truth out of fear of criticism or rejection. We become hyperaware of how we’re perceived, and we adjust—often times so automatically we don’t realize we’re doing it.
- Need for Control and Safety: Masks give us the illusion of control. If I can manage how you see me, maybe I’ll avoid being hurt again.
- Past Conditioning: These patterns are often old—developed in childhood and deeply woven into our nervous system. What once kept us safe now keeps us hidden.
The Big Piece: Lack of Conscious Awareness
Here’s the thing: most of the time, we don’t even know we’re doing it. The masks are so ingrained, they feel like us. We over-identify with our thoughts and our performance, and slowly, we lose contact with the body—where our true voice and truth live.
This is why I say the path to authenticity is a somatic one.
When we begin to attune to our bodies, we can feel when we’re “in our head” versus speaking through the heart. It’s a felt sense—a constriction in the throat, a collapse in the chest, or maybe a disconnection altogether. And the more somatically connected we become, the easier it is to notice this subtle split. Authenticity begins when we reconnect to the body and allow our truth to be our everyday voice—not our rehearsed phrases and stories—to come forward.
A Personal Story: Speaking from My Mask
When I was going through one of the hardest breakups of my life, I remember how even after it ended—when he would reach out—I would still show up in the same way I always had. Kind. Curious. Open. But I actually was hurt, angry, and heartbroken. And none of that got a voice. Instead, I responded from the thinking part of me that still wanted to be chosen. I answered from the mask I’d worn for so long: be likable, be agreeable, don’t be too much.
Where was my truth? Where was my pain? Where was my anger?
Nowhere in that conversation.
Even though the relationship was over, I was still trying to earn my worth. Still trying to be seen. Still hoping I would be chosen by someone who had hurt me deeply. I never once spoke from my heart in those conversations. I think about that a lot. How I kept my truth behind a polished tone and a soft voice because that’s how I learned to stay safe. My nervous system had learned long ago that being pleasant, understanding, and accommodating might make me lovable. So I slipped into that role without thinking.
But here’s what I’ve learned since:
Your truth lives in your body not your thoughts or your mind.
Speaking from the Heart: Reclaiming Your Truth
There is a quiet but unmistakable shift that happens when we begin speaking from our hearts instead of our patterned protective selves. And while that may sound poetic, it’s actually a somatic skill.
When we’re more connected to our body, we can begin to sense the difference between speaking from our head and speaking from our heart. You can actually feel it. It’s not intellectual or rehearsed—it’s embodied.
And often, we don’t notice how often we speak from our thinking parts. We say the “right” things. We’re pleasant. We’re composed. But we’re usually not authentic. Speaking through the heart doesn’t always sound polished—it feels true. It feels steady. You notice a sense of ease in your chest rather than anxiousness, a lack of urgency for validation or acceptance.
For those of us who have fawning or people pleasing as our go to, it often comes with a shift in tone—a deeper, grounded voice rather than the higher-pitched, childlike tone we once used to appease as children. I still catch myself using the higher pitch when I’ve slid back into old programs. When we are speaking from the heart, you feel taller, more rooted, lighter, and solid.
Here is my invitation to you:
Practice speaking through your heart this week. Not through your head. Not to be understood, but to be authentically you.
Speaking Through the Heart Is A Somatic Skill
What I’ve come to understand through this work is that speaking through the heart is not just a mindset shift—it’s a somatic skill.
It takes regulation. It takes slowing down. It takes feeling your feet on the ground, softening your belly, noticing what truth wants to move through your chest and throat, and quieting the thoughts of your performative thinking mind.
Moving Toward Authenticity
To begin practicing this, try:
- Body Awareness Check-in: When you’re in conversation, notice—am I in my head? Am I performing, pleasing, or avoiding? What’s happening in my body?
- Gentle Somatic Inquiry: Can I gently place my hand on my chest and ask, “What do I really want to say?” and just pause.
- Self-Compassion: The moment you notice you’re in your head or shrinking to appease or be accepted, offer kindness. It was developed to protect you and keep you safe at a time you were not.
- Speak From Your Heart: Let your words and responses rise from your heart/chest—the center of truth and authenticity—instead of your mind/thinking parts.
And yes, that saying—“Say it with your full chest”—actually has some real meaning to it. When we speak from the heart, our voice naturally drops into a grounded, resonant tone. That’s your nervous system saying, “I feel safe enough to tell the truth.”
- Support: Doing this work with a trauma-informed coach or therapist helps you build this skill in real time, within safe relational space.
Mini Somatic Practice: Speaking From Your Heart
- Place one hand on your heart, the other on your belly.
- Take a slow, deep breath—feeling your body soften as you exhale.
- Silently ask yourself: “If my words came from my heart—the center of my truth—what would I say?”
- Wait. Let the answer rise gently, without forcing.
- Speak, imagining your words traveling from your heart into the space between you and the other person, carrying both honesty and care.
- Notice how you feel after. Often, you may find a sense of ease, openness, or even relief—your body’s way of thanking you for telling the truth.
A Final Reflection
Most of us didn’t learn how to speak from our hearts as children—especially if safety meant staying quiet, agreeable, or small. But the beautiful thing is, this is a skill we can learn now.
When we choose presence over performance, truth over people-pleasing, and self-awareness over self-protection, we reclaim a part of ourselves that’s been waiting to speak up.